So what do we do with our aging thoughts? How can we transform them from exercises in comparison and regret into more wholesome insights that nourish us? (If you are tuning in to this blog for the first time, read the last post, “Mindfulness of Aging part I”.)
There are three parts to transforming mindfulness: clarity, insight, and re-centering.
Clarity means to know what is actually going on. In practice it means to drill down beneath the superficial thought that our mindfulness has made us aware of (such as the thought, “I guess I’ll never go to Africa…”) to the underlying emotion—in this case, probably a queasy and anxious sadness. Feel that feeling, don’t avert from it. It is who you actually are right now. To feel the feeling is the first step in liberating and resolving it. When you actually feel the feeling, you are not owned by the feeling any longer; instead, you are the owner, the boss of the feeling.
Insight means to understand where the deep feeling comes from, and why we are feeling it. That feeling of sadness is actually not some problem requiring a solution; it is the basic human condition. From the moment we are born we and everything we love are fleeting and fragile. That is our only existence, there is no other. You are not the only one who feels this; everyone feels this (or would feel this if they were actually tuned in to their deep feeling).
Re-centering means to set aside our unpleasant feeling, and return to something more solid. It could be a thought: “But right now I am alive!” It could be a deep breath, which proves (in case you doubted it) that you indeed are alive. It could be a thought of gratitude; “I’m so happy I have a new grandchild.”
Mindfulness, clarity, Insight, Re-centering. This is the basic transforming meditation of being awake.
You describe a wonderful process, Lew, that we can bring to all aspects of our lives. In my own work around my aging body, I do often feel an initial sense of sadness (“I’ll never run again!”). But in looking behind that feeling, I discover my entitlement to a body that always functions like a young person’s body. I’m entitled. So then: Why am I entitled? What makes me special? Ah, there’s the rage that drives the entitlement that drives the sadness. I’m enraged that I can’t get what I want? Then: Why can’t I get what I want?
And so the process continues. I feel like the Hubble Space Telescope, discovering things never before seen and only known theoretically.
When I “see” these aspects of self, then I can take responsible action to re-center, and re-dedicate, this precious life.
Thank you, Lewis. I’ve read similar advice before, but you’ve expressed it succinctly and straightforwardly in reference to our topic of aging. Three moves from one position: turn toward, understand, recenter.
And we can always apply this teaching to challenges that beset us that have nothing in particular to do with regret, grieving, or getting old. Maybe try to find a skillful way to pass the teaching on, when talking to other people beset by challenges.
Years ago, when I was still dancing but injured and was spending many hours with a Pilates physical therapist with no improvement visible- I moaned that I might never improve back to the place I had been (physically) and this very wise woman
replied/”Go to your studio and find out what your dance is now”!
That’s the wisdom of not comparing to what was, or even projecting what might be, but to see what is.
Things as it is wisdom.
Put your feet on the ground and stand there, right here.
This is sheer poetry, Karen. I love the (inevitably) physical embodiment of practice at work here. Just this. Dance. Body. Ground. Now. Thank you.
Karen,
Thank you for sharing the wise Pilates teachers’ words. I really like the image of finding out what your dance is now.
barry:
Roll the rolling stones–’you cant always get what you want…”
I cannot resist. The rest of the refrain goes:
but if you try sometimes
ya might just find
ya get what ya need.
Amen
Richmond Sensei,
Barry mentioned feeling entitled, and feeling rage at not being what he thought he should be. I don’t think I’m enraged, but sad in a way that I don’t have the capabilties I once had. On the other hand, what makes me think I am entitled to remain healthy when others are not. It is a little sad to realize that we are running out of time, when others still depend on us. I think I know where this feeling comes from, now to recenter. Use the time left skillfully.
Another way of looking at this: When we focus on our fear of the future (including our fear of death) and our regret/nostalgia about the past, we are putting our attention in the future that doesn’t exist and the past that doesn’t exist and missing the now, which is all and entirely what we always have. Granted, that being simply in the now seems to be easier said than done. . .
Karen,
What wise advise!
I’ve been putting off doing tai chi again for fear of popping out one of my replaced hips.
Reading your post, I now think I could ‘find my tai chi’
Thanks for this.
embracing the invisibility and impotence often felt could be quite freeing.
Thanks, Lewis, for a lovely post.
I was recently asked how aging has changed my athleticism. When I was young I was a modern dancer and a jogger– I loved the high feeling when my pulse rate went up and up and stayed there.
Now I love the high feeling I get doing yoga asanas and meditating- a practice that keeps the breath steady and full and the pulse rate down.
Clarity, insight and recentering go together with mindfulness.
Clarity- blasting pulse rates might lead to heart problems.
Insight-where does that feeling of joy come from- it may not be just my pulse.
Recentering- there are many paths.
Mindfulness- so many ways to appreciate the breath, the heart, the life force.
Right on, Lew. My root teacher speaks of “triggers to awareness” that one can create all during the day, such as “every time I walk into my little home office, I will ‘come to’ or, her favorite, “every time I am forced to wait on the Internet, I will ‘come to…’” I also love Thicht Naht Hanh’s “Present moment, wonderful moment!” ‘mantra.’
Feeling one’s feelings, hopefully without all the folderol that accompanies some of the more negative ones, such as grudges and their accompanying sense of defensive resentment. When I feel “done to” or disrespected, if I can catch myself in time, I say, “let the blah-blah begin…” and then sit back and watch the show.
it’s kind of fun to have all this “stuff” to look into, without ever leaving home. Never a dull moment!
Thanks for this topic, Lew. Truly.
“Old age is not for sissies.” -Bette Davis
I would add: neither is mindfulness, compassion, consciousness, or lovingkindness. The path to achieving these qualities is rarely choosen by the young, or those still deluding themselves that they haven’t aged. It wasn’t until my late 40′s that I began to realize that what I was doing wasn’t working, not for me or for those I loved. I had to begin the process of learning how to set “me, mine, and I” aside, to distrust my assumptions of life and spirit. Taking The Path was an exploration into groundlessness and I doubt that youth is eager for such an adventure. My work allows me to observe those who seem to believe they will always be strong, healthy, attractive; I want no part of those illusions, they are costly. I can’t say that I am delighted with the signs of my years or eager to add to those signs; but I definitely do not yearn for my youth. The past two years especially have brought a happiness and peace that I never knew existed before now.
Karen, are you familiar with Butoh-Foh? It is a dance form that emerged in Japan following WWII and it is described as “The Dance of Emptiness.” I danced my first “performance” in 55 years last April after a week of lessons with Sondra Fraleigh. It was marvelously freeing!
Love & Peace – Ajna
Thanks for the review Lewis. I agree with Karen……no comparing or projecting, just being with what is.
My cane was recently stolen, and I was bemoaning the fact that my other cane doesn’t support me in the same way. It actually gives me a pain in my back. So how was I going to do my walking? Which is part of my weight loss plan. So I griped for a while, and then I just decided to do what I could. Griping about it certainly wasn’t getting me anywhere. I was even able to send metta to the person who stole my cane. Hopefully, someone who needed it more than I did is using it.
Getting a new cane like the one I lost has also been a long process. I live in Chile, and mail takes forever. I’ll probably be adjusted to the other cane before my new cane arrives. But this is where I want to live! Even with all the secondary problems!!! So smile!!!
Lewis, I got this today in my email, and I thought you and the others here might find it interesting.
Dipped in Original Wisdomosted by Pavi Mehta on Jun 17, 2009
High in the Andes live the Aymarans. A tribe born with their toes dipped in original wisdom. They place the future at their backs and face their past with the intentness of a woman scanning a mirror for wrinkles or chin hair. An Aymaran gestures over his shoulder to indicate next year and will point straight ahead if you need directions to yesterday.
Perhaps the rest of us lied to ourselves about the future. Dangled it like a carrot in front of our noses, only because people can be such donkeys sometimes. Throw tomorrow like a stick or a newspaper and tell us to “Go Fetch” and we will, because we are a race freighted with hope, a people who have collectively deified the bend in the road.
Deified is a palindrome. It ripples forward and backward with equal meaning. Unlike the future it can be read both ways. The future read backwards is erutuf. An exotic word that bursts on the tongue like an unheard of tropical fruit, sweet and strange. Erutuf. The truth is we are the ones who have it all backwards.
I know in my old bones that sing their aching melodies through the night, that the Aymarans got it right. It is not the future but the past that looms that blooms in front of me unfailing as my neighbor’s azaleas. We’re walking home backwards, every step is a point of discovery and return. There is in this reversal of position and perspective, a certain comfort to be derived.
Moving quickly is less important now. Anywhere I can get to is not where I am going after all. I shall linger over fruit bins at the grocery store and think of my grandmother. I will weigh, shake, tap, rattle and listen for ripeness and I will not rush.
How pleasant it will be to renounce planning. No more frantic to-do lists tacked to the fridge with plastic magnets. No more pale yellow post-its papering my wall. No more penciled in calendars. You cannot possibly prepare for what is behind you. Why make pretence of trying? All I need do is show up on the doorstep of each day. Serendipity shall orchestrate the rest.
Perhaps I will miss a bus or two along the way. Fortunately, the future is not a bus, and there is no call now to shove skyscrapers aside with my shoulders in an unquiet quest to climb aboard a different life. No call to jingle the moments in my pocket impatiently, like spare change. There is time to wait without wishing.
Now that the logic of haste and desire has left me, maybe I will sit on a park bench and feed pigeons at midday. Maybe I will scatter peace like crumbs by the handful and find my significance in small things. That would be nice.
In this new scheme of things I learn that the flip side of having your head in the clouds, is the miracle of walking on air. In this new scheme of things, death is behind me. No longer a shadowy summoning that blocks the sunlight ahead but a fond prankster who will sneak up one day when I am otherwise occupied, and surprise me, with a hug
Dear Lewis,
I really enjoyed what you had to say. To keep clarity, insight and re-centering at the forefront as much as we are able makes sense. As we age, and cope with the losses in life that becoming older may bring (for me, health issues forcing me to retire early as my long held position as a nurse working with Alzheimer’s patients – being on disability, husband out of work, children grown and gone, etc) which can be very frightening, at the least. But clarifying where I am right now, feeling grateful for time for introspection (bringing, at least at times, insight) and then re-centering to the moment – to the breath – and all that each moment can bring, good and not so good – does help the fear subside. Thank you Lewis, for your wisdom.
Thanks for everyone’s comments. I’ve gotten a little behind on my responses and my posts, but I hope this weekend to get back on track. Look for Mindfulness of Aging part III very soon!
Beautiful entry Dina